Toddler Grief

People ask me if Sofie is aware of her grandmother's death. It's hard to tell exactly what she understands, but yes, she's definitely aware of it, and she brings it up nearly every day. Usually in one of these ways:

• "Grandma died. She sleep."
• "Grandpa misses grandma."
• "We won't see grandma anymore. Her body stopped working."

Except for today, when she brought all this up in the car on the way to the grocery store. She asked something about it, and I tried to explain to her as I always do the meaning of "grandma died," following the best of the advice I was able to find on how to talk about these things with a toddler - how she's not sleeping, how she got old and sick and her body stopped working and she had to go away and we can't see her anymore. Which she usually accepts without much comment.

Until today, when she decided this meant that maybe Grandma had run away. Like Harry the Dirty Dog, she informed me.

She hasn't seemed sad or outwardly upset, but she certainly knows something big happened and that mama is sad. (The same books and web sites said I should not hide my sadness, which is good since I just really can't.) She's having a terrible time sleeping, which might be a coincidence but might be related. And when I mistakenly said we were going over to "Grandma and Grandpa's house" yesterday afternoon she got SO EXCITED to see Grandma again and my heart just almost broke. I corrected myself immediately but her little face fell for just a second, and then she pulled herself together.

She had all these routines with Grandma over at the house, most involving long sessions of loud and crazy peekaboo games played around the hall doorway with Grandma in the living room. Yesterday when we went over to see Dad she halfheartedly tried to play these a few times but then gave up. It's just not the same with the two of us.

Hiking is FUN!

We took Sofie for her first hike today, in nearby Discovery Park. She really enjoyed walking in the woods, and identifying lots of what she called "fiddles" (fiddlehead ferns) and "fuzzy trees" (trees with moss), although she was disappointed we didn't meet any cats.

She walked a little over a mile - not bad for being three feet tall! And then we visited the playground, where she probably went another ten miles just making the circuit from swing to ladder to slide.

Family

One of these days, I'll have some words again. But until then, here's another nice picture to pass the time -- Sofie with Aunt Dana and Uncle Kevin after our dinner last Wednesday.



This was the night we cancelled having anyone bring us dinner (wow, have my friends been amazing in that respect!) and went out to Chinooks, a fish place that Dana and Kevin like to visit when they're up here.

Sofie likes it there too. She had her first taste of fish and chips and pronounced it good. Although always, always, she found it lacking in sufficient ketchup.

Lalalalala, I can't HEAR you

She's going to be exceptionally good at being a teenager, don't you think?

Reading to Sofie

Mom

I'm very sad to report that my Mom passed away yesterday afternoon around 2 p.m. She died peacefully in her sleep after slightly under three days on hospice care.


We're very sad to see her go so quickly and suddenly but were relieved that she didn't suffer.

















Here are a few of the pictures I'm looking at today...



Taken about 1972; I think I'm Sofie's age here. Dana and I are totally rocking our psychedelic 1970s sailor shirts, no? Mom looks so happy.



Around 1989, I think. With Dad at Christmas. One of my favorite pictures.



I don't know what year this was - maybe the 50s? But this is Mom as a young woman with her first dog, Mike.


Talking with Brett at our wedding in 2003. Mom's Alzheimer's was already started, but wasn't too bad yet, and she was able most of the time to take part in what was going on around her and remember things. They were so happy to meet and get to know their new son in law.

Art, part two

Just a few days after her first big artistic breakthrough, sofie is getting better and better at this "representational" style of art. Just check out the actual face on this picture (again, of a cat) that she made today for Grandma. Two eyes, a nose, and a mouth, all in the proper place.

Sorry for the bad picture quality - taken with my phone.

Decline

All I've got to say today is this: Alzheimer's is a horrible, awful disease that no one should have to go through.

Nine or ten weeks ago Mom was walking around and, if not exactly aware of what was going on around her, able to at least come over and have dinner and play with Sofie when she couldn't follow the conversation.

Today (and all this week) we've been spoon feeding her and helping her drink from a cup. She can't quite wake up most of the time and has tremors in her hands. She can still talk, but it's hard to understand a lot of it, and she's capable of eating but isn't doing so. The nurses think she might have had a minor, transient stroke in the last few days and might have another minor infection that's making her cognitive state nosedive right now.

She'll likely recover from the stroke and the infection can be treated. Her vitals are strong and good and she's not dying. (Although she looked so bad today that I actually asked.) But we're starting to measure time in these long cycles. Two decent weeks when she first moved in, two bad weeks with the first infection, three weeks where she was just amazingly good around the time my sister visited, and now who knows how long this period will go, but it's the worst yet.

The nurses and CNAs are taking good care of her and paying close attention, and the nurse practitioner has visited several times. I feel comfortable that she's being taken care of.

But the only reason I wouldn't say this is terrible is because I know we're just at the beginning of this horrendously messy journey. I have a gut feeling that I'm going to look back on this time as not so bad, maybe wish we were back here again. And that's scary.

First Art!

Sofie labored and labored over this piece of paper while I was making lunch today, and I was astonished to find that she had drawn her first semi-identifiable picture. She told me it was a cat, and gosh darned if it doesn't kind of look like one.

I was very excited and she was really REALLY proud of herself. Here's her masterpiece, at left.

Is it me, or doesn't it have identifiable ears and a tail on the left side? And I think there's a nose and two rather large eyes.

Mama is so proud.

Based on months of scientific inquiry, I present the Unified Theory of Naptime.

Among the many lessons parenting has taught me, I will now share the Unified Theory of Naptime.

Here it is in a nutshell:

There is an inverse relationship between the amount of pre-nap craziness and the ease of getting a toddler to actually go to sleep in the afternoon.

If they quietly sit with you and drink their milk and listen to you sing songs and rock -- don't fall for it! They're just trying to lull you into a false sense of security so that their complete naptime rebellion will really hit you where you live.

However, if they spend their entire naptime routine wriggling around in the rocking chair so that they can lick you, cramming small stuffed animals down the front of your shirt, reaching around you to knock over the diaper pail, and laughing maniacally when you tell them to cut it out, they're absolutely going to fall asleep the second their head hits the pillow.

I kid you not.

My favorite week

In many ways, this one week in April when the cherry tree in the backyard blooms may be my favorite week of the year. There are just so many moments when one is unexpectedly bowled over by beauty at times like this. Walking into the kitchen, coming up the basement steps with the back door in view, looking up from chopping something or washing dishes, there are so many moments when you've forgotten that the world is carpeted in gorgeousness right now, and the whole sky itself seems to be nothing but pink.



It's over way too soon, but while it lasts it's heaven...

Fun things I bought on Etsy recently (and one I just want)

Just had to share this amazing felt play food set I bought the other day for Sofie -- I've been eyeing this lady's wares for quite a while now, and finally had to break down and get these additions to Sofie's tea party set, from the store Mommy24cs.



How amazing are these cupcakes with the frilly frosting? And if you've been reading for a while you all know how fond I am of cake in any form... And look at that ricrac frosting!

The other thing I'm really loving right now are these reusable fabric snack bags. After seeing my friend Jenn using some, I bought a set of three and they are SO fantastic. I took all three on our trip last week and it was so much nicer and easier to carry Sofie's lunch and snacks in these then in ziplocks, and I found them a lot easier to keep track of. From the wonderful little shop, MamaMade:



The inside is waterproof so you can put a PBJ sandwich in it without using a plastic bag, and they're completely washable. The velcro closure is really strong and not a single cheerio or M&M slipped out into my purse during five days of travel and getting jostled around a gazillion times a day. Totally awesome.

And finally, this gorgeous print from Shalom's Cottage Home is now hanging in my living room and it's even prettier in person. I love this artist's work! She's having a great buy one get one free sale right now.



I love botanical art and am always on the lookout for new prints.

And here's one I haven't bought but have my eye on, from a shop I just found today called ArtofAndrewDaniel. What do you think?

Back in town

We're back in town after almost a week in San Diego with Brett's family. We were there to celebrate Brett's father's upcoming 75th birthday, and in between partying and celebrating we made some fun trips to the zoo and to the most amazing local park in Woodland, visited a lot with Sofie's cousins, aunts, and uncles, and generally enjoyed life.

Sofie, fearsome hotel critic, for once had no issues with our hotel and happily settled right in, even though the portable crib was way too small for her. She had fun saying "abracadabra" to make the automatic doors open and running around the breakfast area with her toys. The only slight hitch on the trip was that after three or four days she was really tired of eating in restaurants and found it harder and harder to sit still and behave through a meal.

But overall, she was a champ. And you can't beat the just-over-an-hour flight from Seattle to Sacramento. Even in a bad mood, Sofie finds flying distracting enough that the first hour of a flight zooms by. And then, hey, whaddya know, we've landed!

Back in Seattle, things are still cold, wet, and gray. What a crummy spring we're having! But the garden is growing, albeit sloooooooooooooowly - the peas are a couple inches tall now, and it's probably time to look at what else can go in now. The lettuces and chives and scallions I planted a month ago are still stunted and not growing at all. If we could just have some sun...

Sacramento Zoo

We spent the morning today at the Sacramento Zoo, with Art and Ira and Kim and the boys. Here are some quick moments from the day so far:

Sofie and her cousin Matthew holding hands -- how utterly cute is this?


Goofing around with Grandpa Kitty and the boys:


And looking mostly normal:


Riding the train with Uncle Ira and the boys:


Sofie the fearless walked right up and touched the big boa constrictor:


Didja see me Daddy? Didja see me touch da snake?


We're all having a wonderful time, and the weather so far is gorgeous! More soon.

New sewing projects

Brett pointed out that there was a certain irony in the juxtaposition of my last two posts -- the first a picture of Sofie modeling her pretty new dress, and the second a link to an article on how little girls are taught too much to focus on appearance, makeup, beauty, etc.

Well, perhaps. But darnit, she's cute as all get out. :) I make sure to praise her as much for being smart and capable and funny and nice to her friends (etcetera) as I do for being adorable, but when you have the full package, what can you do?

***

On a totally separate note, I haven't shown any of my recent creations in a while, so here are some recent goodies in the store.

I've got spring on the brain - it's so gray and cold here still! So I've been making myself feel better by drenching myself in spring-looking fabrics, blue skies, butterflies, flowers, you name it. Here's one of my favorite of the recent coffee sleeves I've made -- two fancy cut appliqued butterflies on a layered background and a blue sky sleeve:



And another version with a flower garden - four separately cut and appliqued flowers on the same kind of layered background:


And another of my current favorite fabrics -- I love both of these, the chocolate brown floral and the salmony-pink damask swirl:


The shop is doing really well - I'm up to 236 sales so far, and over 600 people marking my shop as a favorite. My goal for now is to reach 50 sales a month consistently -- some months I make it, some months I don't. But overall, I'm very grateful for how well things are going!

That's all for today - come back soon! And as always you can click on any of the pics above to go to the shop for a closer look.